Two Sides of Silence
by La Fuego
Summary: 2 fics that tell different sides of the same story that plays on something that everyone thought to be the strength of Tezuka's and Fuji's relationship: the silent interludes. Quiet angst... with fluffy moments forcibly inserted here and there. TezuFuji
1. Quiescence

**Title:** Quiescence  
**Pairing:** TezuFuji, implied once-upon-a-time OshiAto  
**Genre:** Quiet angst... with fluffy moments forcibly inserted here and there.  
**Beta: ****pinksnow1986 **for yet another flawless character beta work, **hakkai_sensei **for the grammar/character beta, and **chilibreath **for the grammar beta work. You ladies ROCK!  
**Rating:** T  
**Summary:** "...Fuji would understand what the gaping silences in our togetherness were supposed to say." Defining silence, Tezuka-style.  
**Disclaimer:** Prince of Tennis and its (drool-worthy) boys do not belong to me. I did include them in my Christmas wish list, though. But unless Santa takes my Christmas list seriously, they would probably remain Konomi-sensei's.  
**Author's Notes:** A mirror piece to "Understanding Silence". Written for **a1y_puff **in the recently concluded **christmas_cacti **fic exchange. Thanks again to my wonderful betas!

* * *

**Quiescence**

I can't say I'm all that surprised that it happened this way… that it would culminate in this hanging ending that even now is still begging for closure. But I had thought… had _hoped_ that it would be different this time. I convinced myself that a "happily ever after" was possible—simply because I had something this time that I never had before: Fuji Syuusuke.

Even back in middle school, back when tennis defined the world for us, Fuji was an unpredictable variable in any given situation. No one really knew the true depths of his abilities. Oh, we could guess, and we were reasonably certain that, at the time, we made a fairly truthful estimate of what he was capable of; but time and time again, Fuji showed us tantalizing hints that he just may be capable of so much more than we thought. Despite the number of years we have known him, he still always managed to do something that would make us stop and just stare at him in bewildered surprise. There was also the fact that he could say the most unexpected things at the most unexpected times…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_"… I don't want this anymore…"_

… or so he quietly whispered as he stopped walking in the middle of the deserted sidewalk. It was almost midnight and what had been a cool, crisp autumn breeze just moments ago, picked up and turned into a cold, biting wind.

I, myself, stopped walking and looked back at him… Dazedly wondering where that declaration had come from.

I stared at Fuji in wordless silence, drowned in the beguiling softness I found in his face, confused by the small smile that played on his lips and the contradictory sheen of tears edging his lashes…

_"I don't want to be with you anymore, Tezuka…"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish I could say that Fuji had changed… I wish I could say that over the years, he had somehow morphed into a cold, insensitive jerk; that he left me alone and didn't give me a chance to say the words that could have made him want to stay… But I've never been much good at lying, whether it be to others or to myself.

The truth is I grew too comfortable in my silence. I became complacent. I just assumed that Fuji would understand what the gaping silences in our togetherness were supposed to say. I just assumed that because he knew how I felt for him, he didn't need to hear the words. For far too long, I let my silence speak for me. Until it swallowed us both up and unceremoniously spit us out.

I came out of it dazed and confused… and eventually, deeply regretful.

Fuji came out of it smiling through a pain that he hid all too well…

Between the two of us, I think I got off easy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I thought you enjoyed the tea here. That's why I asked you to meet me at this café," Atobe's subdued voice broke into my thoughts and forcibly brought me back to the here and now. I looked up to meet his sharply probing gaze and offered up a weak, apologetic smile for having been caught with my thoughts miles away.

"You've barely touched your tea," he mildly rebuked and I wordlessly took the teacup he casually nodded to, fully intending to finish my tea to avoid further censure. The teacup was halfway towards my lips when Atobe's next words halted the action… as well as everything else in my world.

_"You miss him."_ It was not a question.

With a deep sigh, Atobe tilted his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose, as though trying to keep an oncoming headache at bay. When he looked back at me, his eyes had that same quiet, burning intensity that they did back in middle school—when we faced each other across the net on opposing sides of a tennis court.

"What happened to your words, Tezuka? Where have they gone to? We've been here together for almost an hour and I have yet to hear you say something after your initial_ 'Hello, Atobe. It's been a while. It's good to see you again.'_" He looked at me intently before adding, "I know you've never been overly verbose, but this verbal constipation of yours is verging on ridiculous!"

I raised an eyebrow at Atobe in mild surprise. Apparently, somebody knew more about what has happened between me and Fuji than he initially wanted to let on.

"I'm just saying that silence can be misleading. And the weight of words left unspoken can be such a burden to bear…"

I cocked my head to one side and considered the striking young man in his early twenties who was sitting across from me. "How is Oshitari-kun doing these days?"

A flicker of pain ghosted his features so briefly that it disappeared only a split second later as though it was never there. Ah. So that's how it was.

Atobe looked down intently into his teacup, as though the tea within it was the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. And in a quiet, solemn voice, he put into words the things he must have told himself at least a thousand times before but never really bothered to act upon them, "I'm just saying that you should at least try talking to him one last time. It can't be any harder to stay together than it is to stay apart, can it?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_"Ne, Tezuka…"_

_"Hm?" I didn't even look up from the university catalogue I was browsing through. A few seconds later, the gentle, lilting laughter that reached my ears finally did arouse enough of my curiosity to look questioningly at the touted tennis prodigy who made himself at home in my room and was lazily sprawled on my bed. If any of his legions of fangirls (and his handful of fanboys) ever saw this side of him, I wonder what they would think._

_"Isn't it a little too early to be looking at university catalogues? We just graduated from middle school, after all. There's still high school to get through before we need to worry about that," Fuji said as he attempted to sit up properly. 'Attempt' being the key word, because halfway through the process of pushing himself up, he decided that it wasn't worth the effort and he flopped back down onto the bed, rolled over to rest on his stomach, and propped his head up with his fist. "Tezuka, I'm bored…"_

_I raised an eyebrow at his declaration. "If I remember correctly, it was your choice to come over unannounced. I don't think I should be held responsible for the fact that I do not have any entertainment prepared for you."_

_I was treated to another wave of lilting laughter. "True that," Fuji easily agreed. "But it's not like I was expecting you to juggle fire rings for me or anything like that, you know."_

_"So what is it, exactly, that you want me to do to relieve you of your boredom?"_

_A sweet smile. A few heartbeats. A slight glimpse of bright blue eyes. "Just talk to me."_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke up from the memory-dream with a deep sense of longing. I remembered that time when the seasons were transitioning from winter to spring; Fuji often came over just to engage me in pointless conversation. Well, it had seemed pointless at the time. Looking back now, I realize that it was just Fuji's way of forcing me to get to know him better – to get to know him outside of the tennis persona that most other people can't seem to get past. It was also his way to get to know me better. It was his way of nudging us past the "really good friends" territory into the "more than just friends" territory. He has always been subtle and sly like that.

I got up from bed and walked to the window, grabbing my eyeglasses from the bedside table along the way, to stare out at the night lights dotting the darkness. It's been half a year since Fuji left me. And the frequency with which I am subjected to dreams that are more memories of the past than anything has been increasing.

I think I heard a song about this once; something along the lines of, "_When I lose you I find that memory, the memory that I once met you._"[1] I think that, perhaps, everything is involved in a cosmic collusion to slowly drive me insane. To mock the silence that is now my constant companion.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_"Not going home yet?" Fuji asked as he sat down beside me on the clubroom bench, letting his tennis bag drop to the ground before him. "You're no longer team captain, so you don't have to stay behind and lock up, you know. But I guess old habits die hard, don't they, buchou?" he teased me._

_"Hn. I'm no longer team captain, but I see you're back to being the freshman tennis prodigy," I replied. "I guess there are some things that even being in high school cannot change."_

_Fuji shook the dark wheat colored hair out of his eyes as he chuckled. "Just wait until Echizen decides that he wants to go to high school with us after all! Then we'll see if they would adjust their definition of 'freshman tennis prodigy'!"_

_I just shook my head in wry amusement._

_After a few moments of quietude, Fuji leaned in to peer at my face. "Is something wrong?"_

_To escape from his close scrutiny, I leaned forward, elbows resting on my knees. Keeping my eyes on my hands clasped before me, I casually answered, "You were over at my house all the time during the break, but you haven't visited once since school started. My mother is beginning to wonder if we had a fight or something."_

_"Oh," Fuji paused for a bit before continuing, "were you expecting me over? Is it alright for me to still hang out with you and make you help me with my homework?"_

_I sat up straight and looked at him. The look I gave him clearly told him that I thought he was the last person in the world who would need help with his homework, but all I said was, "Well, we're friends, aren't we?"_

_"Hmmm…" Fuji hummed pensively as he looked out the window. His eyes seemed so focused on whatever it was that was outside the window that my eyes instinctively sought out what he was looking at. And so it caught me completely by surprise when I felt him lean his head on my shoulder. I looked down at his head in utter bewilderment, but he didn't even look at me when he said, "_Are_ we _friends_?"_

_Of course, I knew exactly what he was asking. And as if watching a movie in my head, I saw our afternoons together during the break before school started. I replayed the conversations we had. I relived the small smiles and the almost knowing looks my mother gave me whenever Fuji was around. I shook my head in resignation. "No, I guess we aren't."_

_Fuji laughed softly at my acquiescent tone._

_After a few moments, Fuji raised his head from where it was comfortably resting on my shoulder and with a sweet smile, he asked me, "Ne, do you mind if I called you 'Mitsu from now on?"_

_I was fairly certain that I was successful in keeping the horror I felt from showing on my face. But Fuji must have seen something because he broke out into another round of laughter. He stood up, shouldered his tennis bag, and firmly grabbed my hand and pulled. "Come on, it's getting late. Let's go home."_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Surfacing from another memory-dream, I was once again forced to confront the stark reality of my present that contrasted sharply with the past. Faced with the silence that I had so foolishly cultivated, alone in this apartment that I once shared with that one person who just overflowed with life, my mind desperately grasped for something to anchor my sanity. As it was, the silence sat on my chest like a crushing weight and it felt like it was sucking me into a void from which, I knew, I would be powerless to return.

I sat up from the couch where I had unknowingly dozed off earlier, and stared out at the snowy landscape beyond the living room window. I wish I could stay in the hospital all the time, fulfilling my residency hours. Maybe then I could forget that it's almost Christmas. Maybe then I could forget that it's been one year, two months, one week and three days since I felt the silent devastation caused by Fuji's quietly voiced announcement that autumn night.

I looked down at my left hand, at the simple white gold band that never left my ring finger even after the one I exchanged rings with had long since gone. I've always considered myself a practical, pragmatic person. Never once, since that autumn night, did I wish for time to turn back. Not even once did I hope that I could go back and do things over. I know how hopeless and futile it is to wish for things that you know can never be.

What I did wish for were chance and courage; the chance to meet with Fuji once again and the courage to say the things that have been veiled in silence for far too long. If he were here right now, what would I say to him? How could I make him want to stay?

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel lonely. I'm sorry for never breaking the silence. I'm sorry for keeping the words all to myself, thinking they were unnecessary. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…_

_But you know, during most of those silences, it wasn't because I didn't want to talk to you. It wasn't because I didn't know what to say. It was because I reveled in it. Because it was in those silences that I most clearly felt what you felt. It was in those silences that I listened to your heart. It was in those silences that I hoped you listened to mine. _

_I'm sorry, Fuji. I'm sorry I didn't give you the words that should have come with those silences. I didn't even notice when the silence changed to the kind that isolated us from each other…_

It seemed that Fate had been listening to me. Because not long after I thought those words, the familiar knocking on my door made my heart race in anticipation and dread at the same time. I just might get my Christmas wish fulfilled early this year.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hello, 'Mitsu," he greeted me with a small, serene smile on his face. I swallowed against the lump that rose to my throat at the poignantly sweet nickname I thought I'd never hear again.

"Fuji," I acknowledged him simply with a nod. Wordlessly, I gazed upon his face, intent on memorizing every little detail and burning them within my memory. With my eyes alone, I lovingly traced the curve of his jaw, I took in the playful curl of his hair—willing myself not to give in to the overwhelming urge to run my hands through it.

I wanted to ask him so many things. What was he doing here? Why? Why now? I don't know how long I stood there, just staring mutely at that beloved face I've only seen in my dreams for the past year, until Fuji leaned in to peer up at my face. "Is something wrong?" he asked innocently.

I mentally shook the cobwebs out of my head and stepped aside to let him into the apartment. He offered me a grateful smile, took his coat off and hung it next to mine on the coat rack just like he always did when he lived here with me, and then walked into the living room, his eyes taking in everything. I followed his every movement with my eyes, still not quite believing that he was really here.

Finally, he turned around to face me again, a gentle, teasing smile playing on his lips. "It's been a while, buchou."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The silence was once again very much a real presence in the room. It stretched out, lengthened, making the small space in the couch between Fuji and myself seem like the distance between the Little Mermaid and that human prince she fell in love with—so near that you can just reach out and touch, and yet so far that measuring physical distance is rendered pointless… because the distance isn't at all physical.

I felt Fuji wordlessly studying my face, as though searching for something, as though trying to read into my thoughts. I stared at my hands clasped before me, desperately trying to string together the words I'm sure he's waiting to hear. The words I wanted to get out, the words that I hoped would make Fuji want to stay with me were being swallowed by the silence and that same silence was starting to suffocate me. I wanted to shout. I wanted break the deafening silence. I wanted to—

And then I felt Fuji lean his head on my shoulder.

What had moments before been a painfully piercing silence, changed and became a peaceful stillness. I don't know how long we stayed there like that: Fuji, comfortably resting his head on my shoulder, and me, quietly reveling in the feeling of tranquility and completion.

But after a while, Fuji stood up, and with his left hand firmly grabbed my right hand and pulled, "Come on, let's go to the kitchen. It's cold in here." The sight of that familiar white gold band on his ring finger made my heart clench for a moment. "Make me some hot chocolate, 'Mitsu, and I'll tell you all about what I've been up to this past year."

I let myself be pulled up from the couch and led by the hand, but halfway to the kitchen, I stopped and pulled on Fuji's hand still clasped in mine. He looked back at me questioningly.

"Welcome home, Fuji," I said uncertainly. And in that statement, I knew he understood what I was asking.

He gave me a bright, reassuring smile, "_Tadaima_[2], 'Mitsu."

_~Owari~  
La Fuego  
10/25/2008_

Post Script:

[1] Lyrics from the song "Supernova" by Bump of Chicken.

[2] I'm quite sure that pretty much everyone knows that _tadaima_ = "I'm home/ I'm back". I think there's a certain nuance to "_tadaima_" that just can't be translated into English, so I left it as it was and didn't bother translating it.


	2. Understanding Silence

**Title:** Understanding Silence  
**Pairing:** TezuFuji, expired OshiAto, Golden Pair  
**Genre:** Still angsty  
**Beta: ****pinksnow1986**(character beta), **hakkai_sensei**(grammar/character beta), **chilibreath**(grammar beta)  
**Rating:** T  
**Summary:** "He had never been the kind to talk when he didn't have anything new or anything of particular importance to say." A look into silence, from Fuji's point of view.  
**Warnings:** Watch out for flying furballs at Atobe/Fuji catfight.  
**Disclaimer:** Still not mine, last time I checked. I think Santa's still bargaining with Konomi-sensei for the rights.  
**Author's Notes:** A mirror piece to "Quiescence". Again, thank you to my betas. To **a1y_puff**, I do not know how well I was able to translate your request into my fics, but I hope you enjoyed them anyhow. Merry Christmas!

* * *

**Understanding Silence**

He had never been the kind to talk when he didn't have anything new or anything of particular importance to say. I knew that. I accepted that. Perhaps I even loved that about him just like how I loved everything else there was to love about Tezuka Kunimitsu.

But there were times when I would wonder about the things that ran through his head whenever he lapsed into one of his impregnable silences.

"Ne, 'Mitsu…" I started out to ask the question that was pushing its way past the lump in my throat.

"Hmm?" He prompted without looking up.

"I…" The words couldn't make it past the lump, after all. "Nothing. It's not important."

But it was important. I needed to know: _I was wondering if you still love me. _I toyed with the simple white gold band on my left ring finger, and a slight smile came to my face when I recalled how I slowly and subtly managed to get under Tezuka Kunimitsu's skin that late winter before we started high school…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"_Tezuka, I'm bored…"_

_He raised an eyebrow at my declaration. "If I remember correctly, it was your choice to come over unannounced. I don't think I should be held responsible for the fact that I do not have any entertainment prepared for you."_

_I laughed at the deadpan, matter-of-fact way he said that. "True that," I agreed easily. "But it's not like I was expecting you to juggle fire rings for me or anything like that, you know."_

_"So what is it, exactly, that you want me to do to relieve you of your boredom?" he asked curiously._

_I gave him a sweet smile, waited a few moments, and looked at him from beneath lowered lashes. "Just talk to me."_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Ne, 'Mitsu, talk to me."

But the silence that met my quiet request was something that I expected.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"… _I don't want this anymore…"_

I softly but firmly whispered despite the impossible tightness in my throat. It was taking all my faculties and my willpower not to break down in front of him so I stopped walking right there in the middle of the deserted sidewalk. It was almost midnight and what had been a cool, crisp late autumn breeze just moments ago, picked up and turned into a cold, biting wind.

He stopped short at my declaration and turned to look back at where I had stopped. He looked vaguely taken aback. Surprised.

But he didn't say a word. Even at that time, he never broke the silence. And again, I was left to wonder what he was thinking about. But if he had no objections to voice, then I guess my fears were right. He didn't want me anymore. He just didn't know how to tell me.

Well, I could make it easy for him.

_"I don't want to be with you anymore, Tezuka…"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what went wrong. But alas, my genius seems to be confined to the realms of academics, tennis, and photography.

Somewhere along the way, we just lost touch with each other. We would lie entwined in bed together, but the silence was such a real presence that it might as well have been there in bed between us. Tezuka seemed to revel in that silence, he seemed to find comfort in it somehow. And so despite the fact that every single day I had to live with that growing, breathing, solidifying silence made it harder and harder for me to push a smile between gritted teeth, I did it. Because I love him. Because I was afraid to admit that maybe, the silence was the only thing that made him stay with me.

But I am a very jealous lover. I refused to share Tezuka. Not even with the silence.

And so I did the only thing I could.

I smiled.

… And then I let him go.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn't know whether to be pleased or annoyed when I met Atobe purely by accident that early spring. I was strolling _Parc des Buttes-Chaumont_[1] in search of an interesting subject, when the familiar voice that was perpetually tinged with condescension called out to me. It wasn't long before I found myself sipping mocha java in one of the chic roadside cafés of Paris.

"So what brings you to France, Atobe?" I asked with a deceptively benign smile. Over the years, Atobe and I have cultivated a rather… _unique_ relationship. I still haven't quite forgiven Atobe for what he did to Tezuka back in middle school (yes, I like holding on to my grudges, thank you very much) and so our meetings and interactions are always riddled with subtle verbal spars and calculated mental jabs.

"Oh, you know," Atobe waved his hand carelessly, "business, merger talks, project proposals…" He paused to look at me in mild calculation, "I'm not quite as carefree as others who can afford to come to Paris to get away from discomfiting situations under the guise of taking photographs for a living."

My mask almost slipped and cracked at that one. "Of course, not everyone can have the convenient excuse of being heir to a multi-national corporation, so they make do with what they can work with," I returned, smiling sweet venom at the haughty man before me. "By the way," I added, my eyes opening to narrow slits as I pushed in and twisted the proverbial knife-in-the-heart with my next words, "I just heard that Oshitari-kun recently got engaged. Since you're such good friends, please do extend my congratulations to him the next time you meet."

Our eyes met and clashed. The former Ice Emperor of Hyotei looked like he would have wanted nothing more at that moment than to freeze me on the spot and leave me to die of hypothermia, but then he knew he practically asked for it. He knew it was impossible to carelessly tread on my wounds without me retaliating in full measure… and then some. A few minutes of dead air signified an uneasy truce being declared between us.

"I haven't seen or talked to Tezuka in over a year, but before I left Japan, I heard that he was starting in on his residency at Tokyo Medical University Hospital," the Atobe heir volunteered. I only nodded to indicate that I heard him.

"So where are you going next, after Paris? I'm assuming you won't be going back to Japan for a while," Atobe inquired.

"I'm not quite sure," I answered with an indifferent shrug. "Greece, maybe. Italy. Germany. Africa. But I'll probably be in the Caribbean for the summer." Not another word was spoken between us until we finished our drinks and we both stood up to leave.

Turning his back to me, Atobe took a step to leave before stopping dead in his tracks. I watched his back tense as though debating with himself about something. And then, without turning to face me, he quietly asked, "What happened?"

His posture, the tone of his voice when he asked, everything about him practically screamed that he was hating himself for asking the question, but it seemed as though the curious spoiled brat in him had to be appeased… Or I wasn't misreading him and he really was concerned about Tezuka… and, in a way, me. I smiled a sad little smile that he couldn't see. Perhaps we could be friends after all.

"The silence killed me."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_"Not going home yet?" I asked Tezuka as I sat down beside him on the clubroom bench, letting my tennis bag drop to the ground before me. "You're no longer team captain, so you don't have to stay behind and lock up, you know. But I guess old habits die hard, don't they, buchou?" I teased._

_"Hn. I'm no longer team captain, but I see you're back to being the freshman tennis prodigy," he replied neutrally. "I guess there are some things that even being in high school cannot change."_

_It's been a while since I managed to spend some time alone with Tezuka, bantering like this. It felt good. It felt right. And so despite the fact that I would rather talk about any number of things than my enduring 'tensai' status, I quipped back something about Echizen and true tennis genius._

_A few moments of quiescence settled around us before I leaned in to peer at Tezuka's shuttered face. "Is something wrong?"_

_I knew that my closeness unsettled him, which was why I enjoyed intruding into his personal bubble as often as I could. Watching him try to get his personal space back without looking like that's what he's doing has always been amusing. This time, he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. Keeping his eyes on his clasped hands, he casually answered, "You were over at my house all the time during the break, but you haven't visited once since school started. My mother is beginning to wonder if we had a fight or something."_

_"Oh," so we were finally getting to 'talk' about this, huh? Discussions with Tezuka are always interesting. I seem to get more from his pregnant pauses and silent interludes than from his words. "Were you expecting me over? Is it alright for me to still hang out with you and make you help me with my homework?"_

_He sat up straight and stared at me. The look he gave me clearly told me that he thought I was the last person in the world who would need help with homework, but all he said was, "Well, we're friends, aren't we?"_

_"Hmmm…" I hummed pensively as I looked unseeingly out the window. We've been pussyfooting around this very same issue for the longest time. I love Tezuka. Have loved him for the longest time. And now he's starting to want me, but he's unsure about how to proceed. Of course he would worry about the consequences of having a relationship with another boy. Of course he would think about what his family would think. Of course he would think about how this would affect the countless responsibilities he's taken upon himself._

_But Tezuka is strong, and his passions run deeper than anyone would ever suspect. If it is something that he really wants, then he will make sure that nobody would ever be able to say anything about it. He would make it so that there would be no cause for anybody to say anything against it. And so the key is convincing him that he does want this. That he wants _me.

_He'll take it from there._

_Having decided, I leaned in to rest my head on his shoulder. I felt him tense for a moment before he forced himself to relax. Still looking out the window and hoping that this was enough to make him seriously think, I quietly asked, "_Are_ we _friends_?"_

_I'm sure he knew exactly what I was actually asking. I was treated to another round of dead silence before he answered just as quietly, "No, I guess we aren't." _

_I couldn't help but laugh at the resignation in his tone. _

_After a few moments, I raised my head from where it was comfortably resting on Tezuka's shoulder and teasingly asked him, "Ne, do you mind if I called you 'Mitsu from now on?"_

_The blank look he gave me was enough for me to understand the horror he felt at the mere suggestion of that nickname. His lack of an answer told me everything I needed to know. I broke out into another round of laughter. I stood up, shouldered my tennis bag, and firmly grabbed his hand and pulled. "Come on, it's getting late. Let's go home."_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Is everything alright, Fuji-san?" Aikawa, an art student in his third year of university who worked part-time as my assistant, asked curiously.

I realized I had been staring off into space while I was lost in my memories of the past, and my attention snapped back into focus at the question directed at me. "Of course, Aikawa-kun," I smiled reassuringly. "Why do you ask?"

Aikawa paused mid-packing away the tripod and looked at me frankly. "You've been distracted throughout most of the photo shoot. If you've been anybody else other than _the_ Fuji Syuusuke, I would have even thought you were testy and irritable; but since you _are_ Fuji Syuusuke, the man who makes glaciers look like they need to up their cool factor, I'll just say you were… uh, a bit too _intense_ today," he flashed his boyish smile at me to try to soften the subtle reproach. "You've been back in Japan for three weeks, so you can't claim jetlag. So yeah, I was wondering if something happened," Aikawa continued, nodding casually to the simple white gold band I didn't realize I was fidgeting with until he voicelessly referred to it, "I mean, c'mon, boss. You didn't become a premier photographer by glaring at Momiji[2] trees because their leaves weren't red enough to suit your taste."

I gave a strained light-hearted little laugh. It seems I had to be more careful around my young assistant. He didn't miss a lot of details. On the upside, I guess that's why I always knew he would make a fantastic photographer and agreed to take him under my wing.

"It's nothing, Aikawa-kun," I shrugged with forced detachment. "It's just the season. Autumn doesn't have the best memories associated with it for me," I said somewhat cryptically.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Thank you," I said gratefully when Oishi set down the steaming mug of hot cocoa on the coffee table in front of me. He only smiled at me in return before perching himself on the cushioned arm of the easy chair that Eiji was occupying.

"Mou! It's almost Christmas, Fuji! You've been back since October, and it took you this long to visit us!" Eiji complained once he settled himself into the crook of Oishi's arm.

I laughed lightly at Eiji's pouting. "Well, I had to wait for the snow to fall so I'd be sure to get a mug of Oishi's excellent hot cocoa when I came over for a visit," I reasoned.

Eiji looked adoringly up at Oishi, but his expression changed a scant second later. Eiji looked questioning. Oishi shook his head once and his expression looked almost reproving. My red-haired friend got that steely look in his eyes and I knew that whatever he was going to say to me next, Oishi disapproved of it.

"Have you gone to see Tezuka yet?"

I almost choked on my hot cocoa. "I don't think he wants to see me, Eiji."

"Sure he does!" Eiji said confidently. "He and Oishi usually have the same shift in the hospital, so I know. He never says so, but we all know that Tezuka misses you. After all, he still lives in the same apartment you guys used to live in. And the last time we visited, everything was still in the exact same place you left them in. You left so suddenly last time, you didn't bring much of anything with you. I bet that if you go there now, you'd find that your clothes are still there, hanging right beside Tezuka's clothes in the closet. I'll even bet that—What?" Eiji was cut off when he looked sharply at Oishi.

The grip Oishi had on Eiji's shoulder told me what kind of brakes he applied. The former Seigaku tennis club vice-captain stole an apologetic look at me before looking back at Eiji. Oishi's green eyes softened, as though telling Eiji that he had said enough. Eiji looked like he was going to balk, but in the end, he gave a small smile of acceptance and leaned more fully against Oishi's side.

At their silent exchange, I felt the cold hands of longing and envy grip my heart. "It's amazing how you guys could hold full conversations without saying a word like that," I commented wistfully.

At my words, Eiji looked at me in askance. "But I thought you, of all people, would be used to things like this, Fuji." He tilted his head to one side, as though trying to figure out a way to properly word what he wanted to say. And then he finally brightened and said, "After all, Tezuka usually sounds like a whole lot of meaningful silences and eloquent looks.[3]"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I walked out on Tezuka over a year ago. I pointed to the silence as the unwanted third party in our relationship, the mistress that supplanted me in his affections. But Eiji was right. _Tezuka usually sounds like a whole lot of meaningful silences and eloquent looks_. I'd just gotten lazy, complacent. I didn't let myself understand what his silences wanted to say the way I used to.

I don't know how long I stood in that hallway, just staring at that very familiar door, mustering the courage to be the one to break the silence this time. Finally, I put knuckles against smooth door. Three short raps, the way I always knocked whenever I forgot to bring the house keys with me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was nervous and I was scared, but I hoped that it didn't show. I hoped that all Tezuka could see was the same serene smile I always had for him alone. "Hello, 'Mitsu," I greeted him simply when he opened the door.

"Fuji," he acknowledged me with a nod. I swallowed against the tightness in my throat upon hearing the beloved voice that had haunted my dreams for so long.

I wasn't quite sure how to proceed from there. This uncertainty reminded me so much of that time in the clubroom. The sense of anticipation and anxiety was exactly the same as back then. And in a moment of blind inspiration, I did the exact same thing I did back then: I leaned in to peer up at his face and asked, "Is something wrong?"

At my question, he seemed to shake himself out of the stupor he was in and stepped aside to let me in through the door. Walking into the apartment, the sense of nostalgia and familiarity assaulted me so strongly that it took everything I had to keep from keeling over. After taking off my coat and hanging it in the exact same spot I always used to hang my coat on – right beside Tezuka's coat – I walked into the living room and took in the sameness of everything. It was like time stopped in this place. It was as if I never left.

I left because I thought I wasn't wanted. I thought Tezuka didn't love me anymore, he just didn't know how to tell me. But looking at the apartment, and how it seemed to have become a monument to the time we were together, I knew just how wrong I was.

Finally, I turned around to face Tezuka, a gentle, teasing smile playing on my lips. "It's been a while, buchou."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We sat together on the couch and not a single word was exchanged between us. Quietly, I searched Tezuka's impassive face. I could see the strain that the silence between us was having on him. From the shallow, ragged breaths he was taking, I could hear the silent desperation in his heart. He wanted this silence gone. He wanted to be understood.

He wanted me to stay.

And just as I did that day in the club room, I leaned in and rested my head on his shoulder. The sense of rightness that filled me at that moment was beyond words. I knew that he felt it too. And so, for that moment, I let the silence speak for both of us.

But I absolutely refused to let the silence take over again, the way it once did. Words will have just as much a part in our regular communication as the silences. And so after a while, I stood up and with my left hand firmly grabbed Tezuka's right hand and pulled, "Come on, let's go to the kitchen. It's cold in here." I took a moment to enjoy the sight of our joined hands. "Make me some hot chocolate, 'Mitsu, and I'll tell you all about what I've been up to this past year."

Tezuka let himself be pulled up from the couch and led by the hand, but halfway to the kitchen, he stopped and pulled on my hand still clasped in his. I looked back at him in askance.

"Welcome home, Fuji," he said uncertainly. And in that statement, I understood what he was asking. I heard what he wanted me to say.

I gave him a smile with all the reassurance and all the love that I had for him, "_Tadaima_[4], 'Mitsu."

_~Owari~  
La Fuego  
10/27/2008_

Post Script:

[1] _Parc des Buttes-Chaumont_ – one of the more popular/scenic parks in Paris.

[2] Momiji – otherwise known as Japanese Maple. You should see this tree in autumn! Its leaves get to be the most glorious shade of red you would ever see!

[3] Yes, Eiji could use big words now. Just keep in mind that these guys are now twenty-something and not in middle school anymore.

[4] I'm quite sure that pretty much everyone knows that _tadaima_ = "I'm home/ I'm back". I think there's a certain nuance to "_tadaima_" that just can't be translated into English, so I left it as it was and didn't bother translating it.


End file.
